Skint Setter Upper

2015 is set to be the year of dating according to my fabulous single friends.

As someone with a bit of experience of online dating (mostly good, occasionally horrifying), my fellow 'Single Ladies' tonight asked me to draft up profiles which will help them lure in the most handsome fishy out there. I feel like such a pimp!

It is always a nightmare writing about yourself, but I found it the easiest thing in the world coming up with witty and truthful profiles to advertise my best friends. Why is it that we can see other's charm and desirability so clearly, yet we look in the mirror and all we focus on is imperfection?

So while my own online dating profile is becoming stagnant through lack of use, tonight I became the Welsh version of the Millionaire Matchmaker.

These are the blurbs I provided for my friends - if you knew them I think you'd agree this sums each of them up perfectly. Who knew you only needed 3 sentences to convey someone's personality!

Friend 1
I work with children so I definitely don't want a childish guy.
I have two sisters so need a man's man; not someone who takes longer than me to get ready!
My friends would say I'm funny, lovable and just the right amount of weird.

Friend 2
I'm a nurse but I only wipe bums at work so please don't shit yourself in my company.
I work in A&E and have seen lots of crazy things so not much shocks me.
Must like dogs, the outdoors and banter - taking as well as giving!

So 2015 as a year for dating. It's actually the Chinese Year of the Sheep. As Welsh girls I think that's a sign!

5 things you learn when hunting for a home

As I am relocating to one of my favourite places in the world this September I have started the task of finding myself a gorgeous little apartment I can call my own. I've taken to pining over pinterest ideas of what my new home will look like, anticipating craftiness and vintage finds to make it unique and quirky. What I didn't anticipate was how tedious and tiring I would find actually sifting through the dozens of flats which should only be used as on location spots for horror movies.

Things I have learnt today traipsing around the South West include:

1. In town centres, parking is a privilege only the rich can afford. You can expect to pay around £100 extra on rent per month just to park outside a flat grottier than 12 Grimmauld Place. 
2. Size matters. I've said it before but this time I'm talking property. I saw places even a Hobbit would struggle to move around in. Claustrophobia central.
3. Online photographs of an "immaculate" flat will not do justice to the reality of the place. 
4. Blinding headaches are par for the course.
5. Same goes for mouldy fridges and dirty toilet bowls.

Fabulous?

Or drabulous??

Wish me luck for my next batch of viewings which I am yet to book through fear of the same experience!!

2014 IS my year!

Since 2011 I have been telling anyone who would listen that 2014 would be my year. I just had this gut feeling.

I knew 2012 would be a write off as I had only just finished university, was back living with my Dad and had only just started my first real job after four long years in University.

2013 ends in the number 13. Enough said.

So at the beginning of this year I told myself that if I wanted 2014 to be my year, I would need to be proactive and make it happen.

I turned into a yes person and took the trip of a lifetime to Washington and Vancouver at Easter to visit my best friends boyfriend, met some of his amazing friends and family and saw some of the most breathtaking scenery.

It was the best trip I have ever been on and it made me realise that I had let myself get stuck in a rut; still living in my home town and surrounded by people who know everything about me, I felt like I was living in a fish bowl.

I began applying for jobs elsewhere and even had an interview in Luton, which was dreary, drab and depressing. The job would have been a step sideways and I would have been miles from home and with no friends nearby.

Luckily I didn't get the job. The evening that they told me I had been unsuccessful, I happened to browse through jobs on PR Week, a website I hadn't thought to search on before. I am not a huge believer in fate, but if I had been offered that job in Luton and I hadn't visited that site, I would not have seen my dream job in my dream location with only two days left to apply.

After a great interview I was offered the job. Three weeks later, today I have FINALLY received written confirmation that my references had checked out so I was able to hand my notice in to my current employer.

As of Monday 8th September I will be a PR & Communications Officer in Taunton! A promotion and I get to move to the South West, one of my favourite places in the world! I will be closer to my best friend, and will be escaping the fish bowl of Caerphilly!

And it is only August, so come on 2014 what else have you got up your sleeve?

Dust unsettled.

After a week of not talking, the youngster drunk dialled me on Tuesday night. He had graduated earlier that day and was out with his fellow 22 year olds. Needless to say, being an oldie (I am quarter of a century now), I was already in bed at 10pm when he called.

So I tried my hardest to play hard to get, but I have never been that strong. I text him the next day to say congratulations for graduating and he called me. We spoke for a while and it was really good to hear from him so I decided to agree when he asked if he could take me for dinner.

Yesterday was one of the best dates I've had in a long time. We spent 8 hours together eating, talking, watching films, watching the sun go down over Cardiff Bay (I know, I just made myself vomit too!) and it felt amazing. He has completely unsettled my plans to give up men for a while!

And part of the problem is that I got some amazing news this week. I'm moving to my spiritual home (Somerset/Devon) soon as I have just been offered an amazing job opportunity which is a wonderful career move for me. So I think I am going to have to attempt to be detached from the "relationship" we've got and have as much fun with him while I can, but still keep in the back of my mind that I know it isn't right and that this move will be the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

I've been saying 2014 would be my year for about 3 years. It looks that way career wise, but on the man front it's all still up in the air.

Another one bites the dust

This is a post-"break-up" post. But don't be scared off straight away; I won't be banging on about how devastated/angry/insecure I am.

This latest three month fling was with, shock horror, a younger man!! I never thought I'd find myself dating someone three years my junior, but it happened. He was tall, dark and had amazing dimples so I could overlook the age. Mostly because everyone I have ever been with has been older and has still acted about 12 years old.

But then he went to Europe for a few weeks and while he was away and telling me he was missing me, I was at home enjoying my single life with the girls again and not really believing him anyway. I was right not to believe him because I found out through a Facebook comment sent to another person that he was home, and got so fed up of waiting to actually see him that I resorted to a text to call it off, feeling just as childish as all those idiots I've dated before!

Instead of feeling vulnerable, which is the normal reaction to finding myself without a man to give me attention and have regular sex with, I am feeling positively perky. I had a great day in work, when in the past I could be found blubbering in the bathroom after a break-up. I came home to an amazing letter, which could possibly be the best opportunity of my career and my life. And I've spent my evening sniggering at old Sex and the City episodes, feeling a huge sense of female camaraderie with these timeless characters, relying on Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Sam to make me laugh because all my besties are busy.

My best friends for the night

And now I have an amazing weekend ahead, with a night out on the cards for friend's birthday on Saturday. As they say "another one bites the dust". But I'm just going to dust off my dancing shoes for an amazing night with the girls and forget all about him.

Running scared

I have signed up for my first half marathon.

I honestly never thought I would think/say/write those words in my life but here I am, aching all over after just six miles of training this week, wondering what on Earth I have got myself into!

I'm not new to running, and have four shiny medals to show for the 10k races I have entered in the past two years.

But a half marathon is a truly terrifying prospect. The furthest I have ever run is 10 km or 6.2 miles. A half marathon is 21 km or 13.1 miles! I'm not even sure my little, weak ankles will carry my happy fatty body that far but I am determined, and now I have set up a JustGiving page to raise money for a charity I MUST NOT back out!!

The charity I'm supporting by plodding heavily through the streets of Cardiff will be CoppaFeel. I actually signed up for the race without the intention of raising money for any charity, but a week or two after I signed up I watched a documentary on BBC3 about this amazingly inspiring young women, not much older than me, who was diagnosed with terminal Breast Cancer in her early 20s. Instead of running scared, she is bravely educating other young girls and women on the importance of getting to know your own boobs.

So get checking your boobies girlies, and if you would like to support the charity (and me on my run) you can donate at: www.justgiving.com/Emily-Worthington2/

Life is shit, and then you step in some

I don't normally get angry about anything but I was seething with fury this week.

I stepped out of my car onto MY drive and then stepped a little bit onto MY garden before I went through the front door. I then walked through the hall and into the kitchen before I realised I had walked dog shit all through the carpet!! Some disgusting person had let their dog poo on my garden and then didn't pick it up. 

So to all the horrible, irresponsible dog owners who don't pick up after their poor pooches relieve themselves, I hope you watch this video and feel shamed into picking up! 

Google maps is NOT the best...

According to The Lonely Island:

"Google maps is the best, true that, double true."

Today I have proved them wrong and although I have always sworn my hatred of a sat nav, I'm beginning to re-think my navigational needs. 

I had to drive to what can only be described as the back of beyond for work and Google maps thought it would be fun to let me drive in a massive, unnecessary circle to reach my destination, adding twenty uncomfortable minutes on to an already awkward car journey with a colleague.

As I was driving through, I played a little game in my mind. 

I am in my car and all that I can see

Twelve truants mitching

Eleven alchys drinking

Ten kids-a-smoking

Nine Nana's swearing

Eight bins overflowing 

Seven drunks-a-singing

Six cars-a-burning

FIVE NIPPLE RINGS

Four dressing gowns

Three police men

Two tanned loves

And a van doing 60 in a 20*

*Disclaimer: I won't hear a bad word said about The Valleys by MTV or anyone else, but I enjoy making up songs in my head - especially to the tune of a Christmas jingle. 

Emmy the Elephant

Emmy the Elephant shook her humps,

and the men made her feel worthless.

They'd never seen such bumpy bumps,

frump, frump, frump.

Our eyes met across the room....

..... as each of us busted out the robot to a classic 5ive tune.

Okay, this didn't actually happen, but my colleague in work pointed out today that this will probably be my fate.

I have one dance move that I consistently fall back on. I may through in the odd knee cross, sprinkler arm, wiggle of the bum, or I may even do the twist. But I will always, always fall back on the old swinging arm and the classic slow mo robo dance regardless of the song that is playing.

I think it might have to be one of my deal breakers for the next man I get with; if you can't accept my shapes, you won't be getting any dates.

No dreams, just realisations

I know I said in my previous post that I would fill you all in on my cheese induced dreams, but I'm sad to report that instead of dreaming under a deep sleep, I found it really hard to fall asleep at all. Was still feeling down in the dumps about a certain boy. Until I was in work today that is. I am now feeling hell of a lot better about my life as a single girl because my life could be ten times worse.

In work we run a campaign every Christmas collecting toys and donations for underprivileged children who probably won't be receiving any gifts for any number of reasons. Myself and two colleagues were in charge of taking the donations to the local supermarket and basically clearing the shelves of toys and other gifts. It really put my life into perspective; I grew up wanting for nothing, with a family who loved me, and now I have the most amazing friends who care for me as well  Yes, I am lacking on the loving man front but I really could not give two hoots.

This Christmas, instead of thinking how lonely it is to not have a boyfriend, I will open my presents, eat my turkey, play games with my family and get drunk with the girls all in the knowledge that our donations and gifts have put a smile on the face of a child somewhere in Caerphilly.

I'll be having nightmares tonight

If I can't really remember eating it
does that mean it didn't happen?

I just ate a cheese and pickle sandwich. This comes after being really good all day and only eating a wrap and some grapes for lunch and a chicken salad for dinner. I had a bath, told myself I'd been really good and that I would go to bed with a glass of squash and that on Thursday the scales will be kind to me (despite an enormous Friday night McDonald's, a Saturday night bag if onion rings from Burger King, a shed load of wine, and a Nando's to finish of the weekend and to cure my hangover). Then I sat down in front of the TV, started watching Girls on Sky Atlantic and during the break decided to make myself a doorstep sarnie with chunks of cheese and plenty of pickle. I'll make sure to dish all the details of my cheese induced dreams tomorrow.

Bad news comes in threes

I haven't actually received any bad news, but three separate men who are all bad news have contacted me this weekend.

What was supposed to be a really fun weekend with all the girls, including my best friend from University who was visiting from Devon, was tainted on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. It felt as if these boys had all ganged up in a "Let's annoy Emily" club and strategically planned to shake me up each day of the weekend.

It started on Friday. I had the day off and so did my Devonshire darling so we went shopping in Cardiff and who should walk directly past me but my ex boyfriend who I haven't seen in over a year. I noticed him walk past, pointed and said "Oh my God, it's Jack!" and he still just walked straight past like I was a stranger. It was such a shock to see him in Cardiff since the last I heard he was living in Poland, and I thought we would have at least been able to talk like adults but he still just walked straight past, pretending to have not seen us. That didn't bother me too much, although I did have the shakes a bit and needed to be injected with a Caramel Frappucino from Starbucks.

On Saturday night me and all the girls got ourselves ready for a night out in Cardiff, and I can't really complain because we had so much fun. It was only when we got home that the night took a turn for the worse. A year ago I had a quick fling with a man who I'd been warned about by my best friend, but as I was sort of on the rebound I didn't pay attention. Well on Saturday night/Sunday morning, this "man" turned up at my house absolutely wasted. Not only did he turn up at the house, he turned up in his car - drink driving, classy - with his neighbour in the backseat. I don't know what he thought was going to happen, I'm not really one to try a threesome and I certainly don't like drink driving. Luckily my friend from Merthyr was also staying at the house and she gave him the best talking to I've ever heard. Again, I suppose as I'm writing all of this down it didn't actually bother me too much; it was happened on Sunday that really popped the cherry on top of what otherwise would have been an amazing weekend!

I'd had a lovely Nando's as my hangover cure, my friend had driven herself back to Devon, and I was just settling down to watch 500 Days of Summer for the millionth time, when the boy I had been seeing this Summer decided to text me out of the blue after 3 months of no contact at all. The gist of the story is that he messed me around quite a lot, I told him how I felt one night, and he told me he wasn't ready to be anyone's boyfriend. I was honestly fine with that, and was sure we could be friends since he had at least been "honest" with me; that was until I found out that he was back with his ex-girlfriend the same week that we had had our "chat". So why he was texting me this weekend I couldn't tell you, and it has brought back a lot of feelings that I was only just starting to get over.

So, there you have it. A bucket full of arseholes in one weekend. I'm feeling pretty shit about myself and I'm beginning to think that there are no nice guys out there for me whatsoever.

If anyone knows of any nice, attractive, funny men please send them my way; I'm sure I could bring out the arsehole in them. I have a knack.

Mr Tits Pervert....

Spoiler: Not a post relating to a breast boggling boy

I wear enormous, stomach sucking in pants. I don't mean occasionally, or on special occasions; I wear them day in day out. Bridget Jones has got nothing on me. I estimate that I have spent about £150 on my throng of tummy suckers. I entice men in with my svelte, streamlined (PAH) figure, and then I roll those bad boys down and I'm like a wibbly wobbly jelly woman. I suppose it is a bit deceitful of me, but everyone tells little white lies don't they.

Not quite what I look like in them

Early Christmas

The last year and a half I have been living the single high life and have been having so much fun just going out with the girls, dating a little bit, being a little bit of a hussy. But what people forget to mention when they talk about loving single life is the horror/comedy stories that come from dating.

Last night was a prime example. After watching New Zealand give Wales an awfully good smashing at the Millennium Stadium me and my housemate got well and truly smashed ourselves in Walkabout and Live Lounge and I bumped into an old friend in fancy dress. Santa fancy dress to be exact, exactly a month too early!

I'm a bit of a weirdo but show me a hot Santa and I will pounce... maybe I need to see a psychiatrist or maybe I just like the colour red and a full white beard. Saturday was no exception and the old friend came home with me. But me being me it didn't all go to plan and this hot Santa ended up spending the night hanging off the side of my bed with his head in a bucket. I must have looked more repulsive than I thought. His walk of shame/fame the next morning in his full Santa suit was interesting to say the least.

Oh well, another story added to the list. If you're lucky I might fill you in with some of the even more embarrassing anecdotes, of which there have already been many, and I'm sure there are even more to come because, as much as I'd like it, I don't think I'm likely to find a nice man to settle down with any time soon.

I'm not a celebrity, get me in there NOW!

I could cope quite easily with the bean and rice diet if I could creep on this all day long!

Perv

And in the red corner, weighing in at...

Well I'm not telling you that; its a ladies prerogative, but....

I lost 4.5lbs this week!!!

Even after the Chili Con Carnage that took place last Friday, I stepped onto those scales feeling confident knowing, that even with that mound of chili in my belly, I'd worked hard this week running the 10k on Sunday; swimming 50 lengths on Monday; running 3 miles yesterday. I'm turning into an exercise junkie. I'm sat here typing this with sopping wet hair after a nice swim to celebrate losing 6lbs altogether now.

Worried I'm going to become one of those sad women who go on a diet and that's all I can talk about so I'm going to keep this short.... but I'm giving myself a big pat on the back!

Back again....

The point of this blog was so that I could look back at all the stupid things I wrote and decide on whether my life needed a good shake up or not....

Well so much for that! How do I expect to read back over things that I haven't written.

My ideal first date.... 

It was only as I was walking around IKEA (unfortunately not at all like the scene from 500 Days of Summer, as I was accompanied by my girlfriends and not a man who is besotted with me) that I realised how quickly I am getting old. I was looking at things like BATHROOM BLOODY CABINETS and commenting on the benefits of drawers compared to open shelves.

How did this happen? If I had kept up with writing this blog I would probably be able to tell the exact moment I got old.

So from now on I will be boring anyone who reads this so that in the future I can look back and think "I was 23 and I was complaining about being OLD?!"

Chilli Con Carnage

Movember 10K

 So just to fill in anyone who's interested: I'm still single, still working in the same place, still living in the "Valleys" as MTV would call it, and still trying to be happy minus the fatty. Progress on that will follow, but I will give you an idea of how its going; I ate a mountain of chilli con carne last week for Children in Need but then completed a 10K run in Cardiff on Sunday. So hopefully the two have cancelled each other out and the weighing scales will be kind to me on Thursday when I have my weekly Weight Watchers meeting. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

52 whittled down to one..

How many people are lucky enough to actually get a job which is remotely similar to the degree they studied in University?

I AM!

I have been graduated from University for about 5 months and I've been working as an order processor for a window company. I was so worried I would become a lifer and end up selling window frames forever. I have already started dreaming about processing the orders!!

But on Wednesday I had an interview for an amazing apprenticeship position with the council to be a Media Assistant for a fixed term of two years. I will be using everything I learned in University like writing press releases, writing articles, making promotional films, etc. I can't wait to use this as the starting point of my whole career.

I really had a feeling on the Monday before the interview, that this week was going to be a bad one. Then I slipped on some ice on my way to work that morning and felt like it was an omen for the upcoming interview. Especially since a man and his Alsatian came rushing over to see if I was okay. When the man slipped too and nearly landed on top of me his Alsatian started sniffing around me like he was ready to cock his leg against my spread-eagled form. Luckily that fall and the nearly getting weed on was the only bit of bad luck God decided to throw my way this week. He took pity on this clumsy oaf and decided to let me get the job I so desperately wanted.

Hopefully, this new job will mean that I can be more interesting and will be able to write things worth reading!

Fingers crossed I won't be boring anymore=]

Debenhams Free Christmas... Or Not!

I cannot believe that since I last posted on here I have graduated from University (with a 2:1 wooop), I left Swansea to move back in with my Dad in Caerphilly, and am now working full time in a job which does not involve working on a Sunday!!! I am now cherishing my weekends because for five full years the only time I could work was an evening or a weekend shift.

So, you would logically think that I would steer clear of the dreaded Debenhams, especially at this time of year. I would literally pull my hair out working in the retail industry during the weeks up to Christmas, and now I am free from the horrors of scarily serious shoppers and brainless bargain hunters it would make sense for me to do all of my Christmas shopping online.

I am ashamed to say that the lure of the Debenhams 30% "Gift Extravaganza" was too much for this shopper. Add to that the 10% extra off that the evil company was offering if I used my store card, and I had no hope of avoiding the place! Save three presents, come Christmas Day all of my friends and family will be the proud owners of a gift from Debenhams. And come the 28th December, I will be the horrified owner of an extortionate bill from the company that I just can't seem to leave, even after I have quit!