You know you're back in the Valleys when....

• An elderly, croaky-voiced, junkie stands in the middle of the train shouting into a mobile, "Are you all fucked already?"
• The same elderly man hangs up the phone and proceeds to have a loud, seemingly hilarious, conversation with the strangers sat next to him. All I can do is try to avoid eye contact as I'm not sure I will be able to laugh along convincingly, and will probably get stabbed.
• Every young woman that you see has a Bermudian tan, even though the sun in Wales is not strong enough to even frazzle my delicate and pasty skin.
• People run past in full-on Adidas tracksuits, apparently under the impression that it is okay to be drinking from a can of Special Brew in broad daylight.
• It is impossible to be anonymous. Everyone knows everyone, and even if they don't know you, they will know your brother, who knows their friend, who is related to your mum by marriage, etc.

This weekend I've ventured back home to Caerphilly, and I have to admit I sat on the train hugging my bag to my chest and avoiding eye contact with everyone. To be completely honest, Swansea is just as bad, if not worse, for druggies and perma-tanned bimbos. It just seems so much worse when I come home.
The reason I came home was for one of my oldest friend's birthday. Her mum made us punch (my tongue is still blue, despite scrubbing and gargling) and we all got a bit tipsy in her house before we got a taxi into Cardiff. To say the rest of the night is a blur of Disaronno and Cranberry juice is an understatement, although I do remember grabbing a Burger King, and then dropping most of my Whopper burger on the floor of the taxi.
Even though last night is now just another faded memory to add to the list, I do remember one thing: I enjoyed being around people who I knew, even if it was through my brother's friend's mother. Even though coming back to the valleys can be a little like walking into an episode of Jersey Shore with different accents, the drama and the tans just made my night even more enjoyable.