Life is shit, and then you step in some

I don't normally get angry about anything but I was seething with fury this week.

I stepped out of my car onto MY drive and then stepped a little bit onto MY garden before I went through the front door. I then walked through the hall and into the kitchen before I realised I had walked dog shit all through the carpet!! Some disgusting person had let their dog poo on my garden and then didn't pick it up. 

So to all the horrible, irresponsible dog owners who don't pick up after their poor pooches relieve themselves, I hope you watch this video and feel shamed into picking up! 

Google maps is NOT the best...

According to The Lonely Island:

"Google maps is the best, true that, double true."

Today I have proved them wrong and although I have always sworn my hatred of a sat nav, I'm beginning to re-think my navigational needs. 

I had to drive to what can only be described as the back of beyond for work and Google maps thought it would be fun to let me drive in a massive, unnecessary circle to reach my destination, adding twenty uncomfortable minutes on to an already awkward car journey with a colleague.

As I was driving through, I played a little game in my mind. 

I am in my car and all that I can see

Twelve truants mitching

Eleven alchys drinking

Ten kids-a-smoking

Nine Nana's swearing

Eight bins overflowing 

Seven drunks-a-singing

Six cars-a-burning

FIVE NIPPLE RINGS

Four dressing gowns

Three police men

Two tanned loves

And a van doing 60 in a 20*

*Disclaimer: I won't hear a bad word said about The Valleys by MTV or anyone else, but I enjoy making up songs in my head - especially to the tune of a Christmas jingle. 

Emmy the Elephant

Emmy the Elephant shook her humps,

and the men made her feel worthless.

They'd never seen such bumpy bumps,

frump, frump, frump.

Our eyes met across the room....

..... as each of us busted out the robot to a classic 5ive tune.

Okay, this didn't actually happen, but my colleague in work pointed out today that this will probably be my fate.

I have one dance move that I consistently fall back on. I may through in the odd knee cross, sprinkler arm, wiggle of the bum, or I may even do the twist. But I will always, always fall back on the old swinging arm and the classic slow mo robo dance regardless of the song that is playing.

I think it might have to be one of my deal breakers for the next man I get with; if you can't accept my shapes, you won't be getting any dates.

No dreams, just realisations

I know I said in my previous post that I would fill you all in on my cheese induced dreams, but I'm sad to report that instead of dreaming under a deep sleep, I found it really hard to fall asleep at all. Was still feeling down in the dumps about a certain boy. Until I was in work today that is. I am now feeling hell of a lot better about my life as a single girl because my life could be ten times worse.

In work we run a campaign every Christmas collecting toys and donations for underprivileged children who probably won't be receiving any gifts for any number of reasons. Myself and two colleagues were in charge of taking the donations to the local supermarket and basically clearing the shelves of toys and other gifts. It really put my life into perspective; I grew up wanting for nothing, with a family who loved me, and now I have the most amazing friends who care for me as well  Yes, I am lacking on the loving man front but I really could not give two hoots.

This Christmas, instead of thinking how lonely it is to not have a boyfriend, I will open my presents, eat my turkey, play games with my family and get drunk with the girls all in the knowledge that our donations and gifts have put a smile on the face of a child somewhere in Caerphilly.

I'll be having nightmares tonight

If I can't really remember eating it
does that mean it didn't happen?

I just ate a cheese and pickle sandwich. This comes after being really good all day and only eating a wrap and some grapes for lunch and a chicken salad for dinner. I had a bath, told myself I'd been really good and that I would go to bed with a glass of squash and that on Thursday the scales will be kind to me (despite an enormous Friday night McDonald's, a Saturday night bag if onion rings from Burger King, a shed load of wine, and a Nando's to finish of the weekend and to cure my hangover). Then I sat down in front of the TV, started watching Girls on Sky Atlantic and during the break decided to make myself a doorstep sarnie with chunks of cheese and plenty of pickle. I'll make sure to dish all the details of my cheese induced dreams tomorrow.

Bad news comes in threes

I haven't actually received any bad news, but three separate men who are all bad news have contacted me this weekend.

What was supposed to be a really fun weekend with all the girls, including my best friend from University who was visiting from Devon, was tainted on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. It felt as if these boys had all ganged up in a "Let's annoy Emily" club and strategically planned to shake me up each day of the weekend.

It started on Friday. I had the day off and so did my Devonshire darling so we went shopping in Cardiff and who should walk directly past me but my ex boyfriend who I haven't seen in over a year. I noticed him walk past, pointed and said "Oh my God, it's Jack!" and he still just walked straight past like I was a stranger. It was such a shock to see him in Cardiff since the last I heard he was living in Poland, and I thought we would have at least been able to talk like adults but he still just walked straight past, pretending to have not seen us. That didn't bother me too much, although I did have the shakes a bit and needed to be injected with a Caramel Frappucino from Starbucks.

On Saturday night me and all the girls got ourselves ready for a night out in Cardiff, and I can't really complain because we had so much fun. It was only when we got home that the night took a turn for the worse. A year ago I had a quick fling with a man who I'd been warned about by my best friend, but as I was sort of on the rebound I didn't pay attention. Well on Saturday night/Sunday morning, this "man" turned up at my house absolutely wasted. Not only did he turn up at the house, he turned up in his car - drink driving, classy - with his neighbour in the backseat. I don't know what he thought was going to happen, I'm not really one to try a threesome and I certainly don't like drink driving. Luckily my friend from Merthyr was also staying at the house and she gave him the best talking to I've ever heard. Again, I suppose as I'm writing all of this down it didn't actually bother me too much; it was happened on Sunday that really popped the cherry on top of what otherwise would have been an amazing weekend!

I'd had a lovely Nando's as my hangover cure, my friend had driven herself back to Devon, and I was just settling down to watch 500 Days of Summer for the millionth time, when the boy I had been seeing this Summer decided to text me out of the blue after 3 months of no contact at all. The gist of the story is that he messed me around quite a lot, I told him how I felt one night, and he told me he wasn't ready to be anyone's boyfriend. I was honestly fine with that, and was sure we could be friends since he had at least been "honest" with me; that was until I found out that he was back with his ex-girlfriend the same week that we had had our "chat". So why he was texting me this weekend I couldn't tell you, and it has brought back a lot of feelings that I was only just starting to get over.

So, there you have it. A bucket full of arseholes in one weekend. I'm feeling pretty shit about myself and I'm beginning to think that there are no nice guys out there for me whatsoever.

If anyone knows of any nice, attractive, funny men please send them my way; I'm sure I could bring out the arsehole in them. I have a knack.

Mr Tits Pervert....

Spoiler: Not a post relating to a breast boggling boy

I wear enormous, stomach sucking in pants. I don't mean occasionally, or on special occasions; I wear them day in day out. Bridget Jones has got nothing on me. I estimate that I have spent about £150 on my throng of tummy suckers. I entice men in with my svelte, streamlined (PAH) figure, and then I roll those bad boys down and I'm like a wibbly wobbly jelly woman. I suppose it is a bit deceitful of me, but everyone tells little white lies don't they.

Not quite what I look like in them

Early Christmas

The last year and a half I have been living the single high life and have been having so much fun just going out with the girls, dating a little bit, being a little bit of a hussy. But what people forget to mention when they talk about loving single life is the horror/comedy stories that come from dating.

Last night was a prime example. After watching New Zealand give Wales an awfully good smashing at the Millennium Stadium me and my housemate got well and truly smashed ourselves in Walkabout and Live Lounge and I bumped into an old friend in fancy dress. Santa fancy dress to be exact, exactly a month too early!

I'm a bit of a weirdo but show me a hot Santa and I will pounce... maybe I need to see a psychiatrist or maybe I just like the colour red and a full white beard. Saturday was no exception and the old friend came home with me. But me being me it didn't all go to plan and this hot Santa ended up spending the night hanging off the side of my bed with his head in a bucket. I must have looked more repulsive than I thought. His walk of shame/fame the next morning in his full Santa suit was interesting to say the least.

Oh well, another story added to the list. If you're lucky I might fill you in with some of the even more embarrassing anecdotes, of which there have already been many, and I'm sure there are even more to come because, as much as I'd like it, I don't think I'm likely to find a nice man to settle down with any time soon.

I'm not a celebrity, get me in there NOW!

I could cope quite easily with the bean and rice diet if I could creep on this all day long!

Perv

And in the red corner, weighing in at...

Well I'm not telling you that; its a ladies prerogative, but....

I lost 4.5lbs this week!!!

Even after the Chili Con Carnage that took place last Friday, I stepped onto those scales feeling confident knowing, that even with that mound of chili in my belly, I'd worked hard this week running the 10k on Sunday; swimming 50 lengths on Monday; running 3 miles yesterday. I'm turning into an exercise junkie. I'm sat here typing this with sopping wet hair after a nice swim to celebrate losing 6lbs altogether now.

Worried I'm going to become one of those sad women who go on a diet and that's all I can talk about so I'm going to keep this short.... but I'm giving myself a big pat on the back!

Back again....

The point of this blog was so that I could look back at all the stupid things I wrote and decide on whether my life needed a good shake up or not....

Well so much for that! How do I expect to read back over things that I haven't written.

My ideal first date.... 

It was only as I was walking around IKEA (unfortunately not at all like the scene from 500 Days of Summer, as I was accompanied by my girlfriends and not a man who is besotted with me) that I realised how quickly I am getting old. I was looking at things like BATHROOM BLOODY CABINETS and commenting on the benefits of drawers compared to open shelves.

How did this happen? If I had kept up with writing this blog I would probably be able to tell the exact moment I got old.

So from now on I will be boring anyone who reads this so that in the future I can look back and think "I was 23 and I was complaining about being OLD?!"

Chilli Con Carnage

Movember 10K

 So just to fill in anyone who's interested: I'm still single, still working in the same place, still living in the "Valleys" as MTV would call it, and still trying to be happy minus the fatty. Progress on that will follow, but I will give you an idea of how its going; I ate a mountain of chilli con carne last week for Children in Need but then completed a 10K run in Cardiff on Sunday. So hopefully the two have cancelled each other out and the weighing scales will be kind to me on Thursday when I have my weekly Weight Watchers meeting. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.